Project Akatsuki
by gkun
Summary: This is the official Project Akatsuki fanfic series.The group goes coed, suffers through a doctor's exam with Tsunade and makes their own dates out of wood and clay.  Oh, and did I mention that Konan is a perverted yaoi fangirl?
1. Project Akatsuki 01 CoEd

It seemed like any other routine meeting for the Akatsuki. After going out for pizza and running away when Kakuzu refused to pay the bill, they convened in the AKATSUKI LAIR. The AKATSUKI LAIR, as far as is known, only exists in the realm of online fandom. It is a sort of dormitory where the Akatsuki all live together when not committing crimes and become the victims of random humor.

The waited, rather indifferently. Itachi wondered aloud what Tobi had broken this time- Kisame, meanwhile, was eating one last slice of anchovie pizza. Then, their Leader arrived. His name is a secret- he is known only as Leader. His underlings hold him in great respect and reverence, which is why Hidan designed a "Kill Leader-sama" game in his bootleg copy of Macromedia Flash. Itachi currently holds the high score... but I digress. Leader-sama began his announcement,

"My fellow Akatsuki, the time has come for change..."

"OHMYGOODNESSNOOOOOO!" exclaimed Tobi, "Do you mean that we're going to have to pose for a swimsuit calendar to raise money, after all?!"

"...who started that rumor, anyway?" Leader-sama asked.

Everyone pointed to Kakuzu, who explained that it would be a great money-making tool, and that the online fangirls would be a great source of potential capital.

"...Well, Kakuzu, we will discuss this idea later. As I was saying, the time has come for change..."

"Does this mean that we aren't going to be able to bomb things for pleasure anymore?" Deidara asked hesitantly.

"No, Deidara, we will always cause random destruction as a form of entertainment. You need not worry about ANY limitations on that. As I was saying..."

"So," Deidara interjected again, "There are NO limitations? So, if I were to dump a C-5 bomb into the septic tank here, wait for a victim to enter the bathroom, and then set off an explosion of sewage, then upload the video to You Tube... that would be okay?"

[Author's Note: Deidara's C-4 Garuda involves him spitting up a fountain of clay. As for what C-5, a stronger technique, involves- I'll leave that to your imagination.

"NOOOO!!" Leader-sama raged, "The last time you did that it took SIX MONTHS to clean up the bathroom!! What the heck is WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"Tobi thought that the exploding septic tank bad bathroom fountain of doom was funny," Tobi said innoucuously.

"See? Tobi does have some artistic taste, after all. Anyway, it was in the top 20 most-watched videos on YouTube for TWO WEEKS!" Deidara exclaimed.

"...but, Orochimaru was so traumatized by the experience that he ran away, and we lost one of our best operatives! When we sent Itachi to try to catch him, Orochimaru left his arm behind like a lizard would sacrifice its tail to escape... How tragic!!" Leader said, bursting into tears.

"He deserved it. Orochimaru owed me money..." Kakuzu mumbled.

"ANYWAY..." the Akatsuki Leader barked with exasperation, "THE CHANGE IS THAT WE'RE GOING CO-ED!"

Everyone gasped. Itachi smiled rather wickedly. Tobi asked,

"What is Co-Ed?"

"It means that we're going to start working with girls, instead of all of the Akatsuki being men," Kisame explained.

"But... wait..." Tobi said with some confusion, "Does that mean that Deidara-sempai... IS A GUY?!?! Wow! I can't believe it! I never saw THAT coming. ...sigh I guess I should burn all of that fanart I have of sempai in a bikini, then..."

"TOBI! I'M GOING TO ASSIGN YOU A CAUSE OF DEATH!!" Deidara bellowed.

"So, what is it? Explosion or strangulation?" Tobi chirped.

"It's Zetsu! I shall laugh knock you out laugh and laugh coat you with Italian meat sauce and..." (Deidara starts to laugh uncontrolably.)

"Is he off of his medication again?" Leader asked.

"Well, his medication is really expensive, so I've been giving him a placebo made out of flour..." Kakuzu admitted.

"Wow! No wonder sempai has been so much fun lately," Tobi said laughingly.

Everyone wondered what Tobi meant, but was too afraid to ask. The Leader continued his announcement:

"Anyway, I've found a kunoichi whose skills will be very useful to us. From now on, she's a member of our group. She actually came to work for us voluntarily, too! All that she demanded, apart from the usual pay of $3.00 a week, is that we all pose for her art occassionally. How bad could that be?

"Her codename is 'Bluie,' since her hair is a shoulder-length mop of blue. I expect all of you to treat her with respect. Remember that I agreed to us posing for her art, so do whatever she asks you in that regard.

Her she is- our newest Akatsuki member, Bluie!" Leader finished, as he gestured toward a figure in the corner. A young woman, around 20, stepped out of the shadows. In her blue hair she wore a white flower. Bowing, she introduced herself,

"Konichiwa. I'm 'Bluie.'"

"Is she cute, Kisame?" the near-sighted Itachi asked.

"No," Kisame replied, thinking "she doesn't even have gills! What a plain woman..."

Deidara managed to regain control of himself (a bit) when he heard that the new recruit was an artist, as well.

"So, un... What kind of art do you do? We're going to pose for you, right? Un?" Deidara asked.

"Well," Bluie replied, "My art is VERY popular on the internet, and it's mainly of you guys! What better way to improve my skills than to have you pose for me in person?"

"...I would be interested in seeing this art," Sasori mumbled.

[Author's note: I brought him back from the dead using my mysterious writing skills. Deal with it.

"Well, actually, I have a GREAT picture of you and Deidara right here! It's one of my most popular in my online gallery!" Bluie said, as she pulled out a print from the porfolio she wore under her cloak.

"Here! Take a look at this!" Bluie continued.

No sooner had Sasori looked at the image than he screamed and fainted. As he lay on the floor, the others crowded in closely to see Bluie's drawing of Sasori and Deidara. Then, they recoiled in horror.

"What a pity Orochimaru isn't here," Zetsu mused. "This was the sort of things that he liked. His computer was full of it...

"ACK! You have a sick, twisted mind, yeah!" screamed Deidara, "...that's a real turn-on," he continued, "Do you want to go out somewhere tomorrow?"

"...Kisame..." Itachi began.

"What?"

"I... I think that I just lost the rest of my eyesight. I can't see anything anymore," Itachi moaned.

"Well, we can get you a seeing-eye dog or something..." Kisame replied.

"...but, he already has a seeing eye SHARK, doesn't he?" Zetsu began, "NO. HE NEEDS A DOG. GET HIM A DOG," his other half replied.

"Wow. I can't believe that you guys don't like my art..." Bluie sniffed, "The yaoi fangirls online LOVE it. Well, anyway, Leader-sama said that if I worked for him, that all of you would pose for me however I wanted, so I guess you'll eventually get used to it..."

The Akatsuki gave a collective scream of horror as they realized their sudden and inescapable misfortune. Their lives would only go downhill from here. No one had anticipated that Bluie would be a pervy fangirl. This lack of suspicion on their parts had spelled their doom...


	2. Project Akatsuki 02 Yearly Physical

"Project Akatsuki 02-Yearly Physical"  
SuperGrouper

Dance 1 "Insurance is Changing, Every Day"

The minutes dragged by as the boys (and one perverted girl) listened to their leader's latest announcement. Hidan watched a fly buzzing around next to the windowsill. Zetsu ate the fly with relish- an attempt to distract himself from their unpleasant and monotonous circumstances. They had joined the Akatsuki with a desire for action- not endless staff meetings! At a word from the leader, however, the boys all bolted upright. They heard the word "doctor-" a word that instantly conjured up many childhood fears and pains...

"Once again," Leader-sama continued, "it has become necessary for us to change insurance companies. The last one cancelled our coverage because a certain member blew two limbs off within 24 hours and another unspecified member lost his head, which required considerable hospital bills."

The leader paused just long enough for everyone to glare at Hidan and Deidara. Certainly, these two were an annoyance to be reckoned with.

"Anyway," the leader went on, "In order for us to get coverage under the new plan with Konohagakure's 'You Kill 'Em, We Pay 'Em' deal, we must all submit to a yearly physical..."

"Does this include me?!" a feminine voice querried.

"Yes, Bluie, it does include you. ALL of us have to have the physicals performed."

"Ummm... What I meant was, can I help perform the physicals on you guys?"

"Well, 'Bluie,' are you a medical ninja? You never mentioned that!" Leader-sama exclaimed in surprise.

"Huh? What?? Oh, does this 'physical' thing have something to do with medicine?"

"Well, yes, it's a visit to the doctor to check one's overall health..."

"OHHHHH! I see!" Bluie mused. "When you said 'physical,' I thought..."

"WE DON"T WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU THOUGHT!" Hidan shouted in interruption. "You have a dark, DARK mind, woman!"

"Now, now, Hidan. Don't get into fights with the other members!" their leader responded.

"But... but... she..." Hidan collapsed in with a sigh of resignation, remembering the indignities that "Bluie" had subjected him to for the past two weeks. Without being promised so much as one percent of the profits, Hidan had been coerced into helping her with her latest "art project." Never before had a jashinist ever been exposed to such evil, being at the mercy of a perverse fangirl. He inwardly cursed the physical immortality which denied him escape from Bluie's torture...

"So, then..." Bluie chirped, "do these physicals involve nudity?"

"Someone please stop her!" Kisame sobbed, leaning against Itachi for support. When the much smaller Itachi fell to the side beneath Kisame's weight and cracked three ribs, the young Uchiha began to fire off fireballs in all directions, hoping to hit his partner.

Itachi's efforts were in vain. Kisame used the distraction to flee into the forest, away from Bluie.

Dance 2 "Never Say Die"

Kisame, despite all of his efforts, was the first to be captured. How naive he was! No one suspected that the doctor that they were going to be examined by was a sannin! He moaned as he struggled to move. It was no use. The poison dart had so stiffened his muscles that his exertions only caused him more pain...

"Well," Tsunade said, "You certainly have an odd color there, fellow. Do you have frostbite?"

Kisame opened his mouth to speak, but was quickly silenced by the tongue-suppressor that Tsunade deftly thrust into his mouth.

"My, my..." the woman mused, "what nasty-looking teeth! Not only are they as sharp as knives, but they're covered with plaque! Look! I see no less than five cavities here! Don't you ever brush your teeth?!"

"Uff coarrsh!" Kisame sputtered while Tsunade poked around in his mouth, "I yush Bwuiey's hairr bwussh to bwussh them effery week!"

"You'll have to have an appointment with a dentist immediately," Tsunade mumbled as she jerked the stick from his mouth."

"Of course!" Kisame promised, still weak from the poison. ("If I can just get out of here, then I'm NEVER going to any sort of doctor again- and certainly not a dentist...") he thought.

"Well, you certainly have good fortune. I have a young man with me who's a qualified oral surgeon!"

Kisame drooped his shoulders in despair. Then, as he lifted his eyes to the figure behind Tsunade, his despair gave way to terror.

"Ka... KABUTO?!" Kisame shrieked.

Smiling coldly, the silver-haired boy walked toward the helpless swordsman. The icy glimmer of steel in the moonlight showed that Kabuto had, indeed, remembered to bring his "dental tools" with him...

Dance 3 "See no Evil, Fear no Evil"

Itachi strutted into the doctor's presence confidently. He knew that he was in perfect shape, so he did not fear to have his blood pressure tested, his throat examined, or...

CRASH!!! Falling over a garbage can, he did several flips forward, landing next to a large, red can marked "biohazard." Flushing with humiliation, he quickly pulled himself up. As he was about to make some excuse about how slick the floor was, Tsunade interrupted him,

"Young man, when was the last time you had your eyes examined?" she querried. "You were looking straight in front of yourself as you were walking, but you still ran right over the trash bin! Do you have vision troubles?"

A chill passed over Itachi. He was not afraid of death. He did not fear otherwordly monsters. Even clowns held no dread for him. There was, indeed, only one thing in the whole world that he feared- an inevitable fate that he constantly pushed into the future with his denial...

"You may need glasses," the medical ninja said rather sternly. "Let's test you eyes right this instant. We have some nice glasses, actually. Look- these here have a Hello Kitty motif!" She said, twirling some pink glasses in her hand.

Somewhere, deep in Itachi's mind, he screamed...

Dance 4"Are you REALLY sure?"

"Are you sure?" Tsunade asked.

"Yes, I'M SURE!!!" Deidara shrieked. Never before had he been so utterly annoyed, and so powerless to do anything about it. Even Tobi wasn't this bad...

"Well, even if you're pretty sure, the insurance states that its clients receive a complete physical." Tsunade retorted. "For a woman, that includes a pregnancy test."

"I... Told... You... I'M A MAN!!!" The blonde huffed, his face growing flushed with anger and embarrasment.

Tsunade sighed.

"I'm not here to argue with you! I told you, you HAVE to have a pregnancy test! What if you were pregnant and you needed prenatal care? The insurance needs to know!"

Overpowering him, Tsunade slapped a rubber band around his arm and started wiping his mid-arm with an alcoholic swab. Deidara didn't feel when the needle went in- he was too busy calculating how many bombs would be necessary to destroy Konoha...

Dance 5"Interluido"

Bluie and the Leader lay on the sand, with the warm sun glowing on their faces. Bluie sipped a frozen lemonade as she lifted her sunglasses slightly. Gazing over to Pein, who was relaxing beside her, she asked,

"Are you sure that this is okay? I mean, faking the paperwork to say that we've had medical exams when we really haven't?"

"Of course it's okay!" her boss chortled. "Going to the doctor is such a drag- besides, the others are all taking the exams, so it's not like ALL of us are skipping the physicals..."

"But... won't the others be a bit upset that they had to take the exam when we didn't?"

"Bluie, sweetie, I'm the LEADER! I can do WHAT I WANT TO DO! I don't have to explain myself! What Leader wants, Leader gets! ...By the way... Don't you think that it's kind of romantic to be at this beach, without the others? It seems almost like the perfect scene for a big, juicy kiss..." the Leader replied, winking at Bluie.

Later that afternoon, as he was washing the frozen lemonade out of his hair and trying to stop the profuse bleeding from his wounds, the leader of the Akatsuki did give brief thought to what happens when his employees get angry with him...

Dance 6"Bloom Where You're Planted"

"My, my... I've never seen physiology like yours before..." Tsunade mused, pausing in her examination of Zetsu. "It almost seems as if you're part plant..."

"I'm part Venus flytrap and part Oreo"  
[author's note: thanks to the person at deviantART who realized this... 00

"OREO?!" Squealed Shizune, who had accompanied Tsunade. "I LOVE Oreos! Especially with milk! Actually, I have a carton of milk right here in my lunchbox... And an oreo that's part vegetable is a dream come true! It will be low-cal!"

"This is a bad omen," said Zetsu.  
"Yes, this doesn't look good," Zetsu replied.  
"I think that we should run," he continued.  
"Yes, we should run..." Zetsu replied as he faded into the forest, with the hungry Shizune in hot pursuit...

"Wait, Shizune!" Tsunade called after her. "I have to finish examining him! You can't eat him yet!!"

Dance 7"No Pain, No Gain"

Hidan panted as he struggled to catch up with Tsunade and Shizune. Having hears about the pain and humiliation of the other Akatsuki's exams, the immortal had only one goal in mind- HE wanted to get one of those painful exams done, too!

"TSUNADE! You #$()!!!! Stop already! I'm ready for the )&$)(&ing exam! Slow down!!" Hidan shouted after her.

"You're... Hidan, aren't you?" Tsunade replied.

"Yes, ()#$# it!! I'm Hidan, and I'm ready for my painful exam! Do your best... um... worst!" he said excitedly.

"Actually, you're not on my list of people to examine."

"WHAT?!" Hidan gasped in angry shock.

"Apparently, the leader of the Akatsuki didn't bother with signing you up for insurance. Either he doesn't care, or he doesn't think that you're going to die any time soon."

"But... I DESERVE one of those painful exams!" Hidan retorted.

"You deserve a lot more than that," Tsunade replied, glaring at him. "Aren't you the one who killed Asuma? I'm still not giving you an exam, though."

"WHY?!"

"Because you're mentally ill, possessed and grossly evil... so you enjoy pain. Why should I torture you with demeaning medical tests if that's what you WANT? I'm out of here..." Tsunade finished, turning and walking away briskly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Hidan screamed. "COME BACK!!!"

The monk collapsed in dismay after realizing the hopelessness of his situation. He would have to seek entertainment elsewhere...

Dance 8"A Real Boy"

"No, I DO NOT want to become 'a real boy.'"

"You don't?" Shizune mused. "That's odd. Well, Tsunade-sama will be in to see you once she finishes her online research."

"'Online research?'" Sasori inquired.

"Well, yes... You see, Lady Tsunade isn't exactly sure how to treat someone with such a... such an... unusual body. ...are you sure that you don't want to become a real boy?"

"Yes, I'm sure," the doll-boy said icily. "I used to be one, but I CHOSE to take on this form so that I wouldn't get old. That way, I could be young and beautiful forever... ... ...unfortunately, I didn't think that much about the effects of replacing my ENTIRE body with wood, which is why I'm over 40 years old and still single...

"TIME FOR THE EXAM!!" Tsunade said gleefully. "I've printed out all sorts of useful information!"

Shizune peered over her superior's shoulder to look at the web print-outs that Tsunade clutched.

"L... Lady Tsunade!" Shizune said with shock, "These are not from a medical research database! These papers are..."

"In researching Sasori's body, the closest thing I could find to him online was this Asian doll called a 'doll-fee' or something like that. I printed out some things about repairing them from a fan site at LiveJournal."

"Well," Shizune said, "These first few pages are about repairing them, but what are these pictures and patterns for?"

"Oh!" Tsunade said. "I found the MOST ADORABLE pictures of 'doll-fees' wearing lolita dresses, and so I printed out some patterns so that we can have fun dressing this one up. I just love this one on page 3- it's based on one of the outfits worn by Chii in 'Chobits.'"

"I'M A MAN!" Sasori said coldly. "I DO NOT wear things like that!"

"You know, Lady Tsunade..." Shizune began awkwardly, "Now that he mentions it, how do we know that Sasori is male? He certainly looks like a girl... Do you think that he's a kunoichi?"

"Whatever he is, he'll be ADORABLE in this lacy dress. There's no one else around, so it's okay if we play with dolls again one last time, right, Shizune?"

"I. am. MALE." Sasori said.

"Well, let's go ahead and examine him before we make the dresses. ... ... ... 00 OH. Well, that was unexpected... UM... I guess... you aren't really either gender, are you? 00;;"

"I was a guy... but now I'm a puppet. I don't ever get old! It's great!"

"So, then... I guess if you ever want to have kids, then you'll have to become a real boy." Shizune said while snickering at Sasori's situation.

"...Ha! I'm not a pervert like that rock ninja. I don't regret giving up my original body, and I never even THINK about..."

Sasori's monologue was cut short as his nose noticably grew by several inches.

Dance 9"He Ain't Broke, so Don't Fix him"

"I see that you didn't go back to have your stitches removed after your treatment..." Tsunade said. "What sort of surgery did you HAVE, anyway? There are stitches all over you!"

"I was built by a fellow named Frankenstein. He's the one who gave me the stitches. So, how much does this exam cost, anyway? I just want the bare necessities- after that, I leave. And hurry up! Time is money!"

"Well, do you want me to remove the stitches?" the blonde woman asked.

"No, I don't. Just give me the certificate saying that I had the exam. Then, I'm leaving."

"...well, okay... but first of all, we need to give you a heart test. I noticed some serious abnormalities when I took your pulse and when I used the stethoscope, I heard something weird. It almost sounded like multiple heat beats... We need to give you the full battery of heart tests immediately! There could be something seriously wrong with you!

Kakuzu sughed impatiently. Time is money, and a whole lot of his money was about to be wasted...

Dance 10The Good Boy Meets the Doctor

"So, do I get a sticker when we're done with the exam? At my old doctor, I always got a sticker when I was done. I want a cool sticker!"

Tsunade sighed, her shoulders falling deeply. This fellow was obviously an idiot like no other. "Yes," she said with exasperation, "I'll get you a sticker when we're done. Now, open your mouth and let me look at your throat."

"Tobi can't do that," the boy in the orange mask said. "Tobi never removes his mask!"

"Tobi... that's you, right?" Tsunade said impatiently. "Why do you never remove your mask?"

"Because Tobi has a secret!"

"Well, what secret does 'Tobi' have?" The sannin inquired.

"IMA GOOOD BOY! D" Tobi said happily.

"Everyone knows that you're a good boy, Tobi." Tsunade said, furrowing her brow. "Now take the mask off so that I can examine you."

"Could you... come a bit closer, Lady Tsunade?" Tobi asked. "Tobi is a bit scared to remove his mask!"

The doctor sighed and moved closer. She found herself staring into Tobi's eye through a hole in his mask. His eye gleamed red and she was entranced.

"Now, repeat after me," Tobi said, "'These are not the droids I am looking for!"

"These are not the droids I am looking for!" Tsunade repeated.

"Say, 'Tobi is a good patient.'"

"Tobi is a good patient." Tsunade muttered, her eyes distant.

"Now, Tsunade-chan REALLY wants to fill out the paperwork saying that Tobi is healthy!"

"Yes, I must fill out the paperwork..." Tsunade whispered. She quickly did just that, and handed the completed papers to the cloaked man.

"Tsunade is attracted to Tobi's awesome mysteriousness. Tsunade REALLY wants to go on a date with Tobi!" he continued. He was cut short by a spray of poison-darts from Shizune, which he only narrowly managed to dodge. Clutching the papers, he fled into the forest, away from the quickly waking Tsunade and her protective servant.

Dance 11"You Were WHERE?

"Well, my fellow Akatsuki, I'm glad to see that all of you have made it back intact. Yearly physicals are a nuisance, but they have to be done, so it can't be helped. Just pile your paperwork up here on my desk and we'll mail it in to the insurance company... Why are all of you glaring at me like that?" Pein asked.

"MPHHF FMMM PHFFMMWWMMMMMM!" Kisame said, his mouth in bandages.

Sasori was curled up in a corner in a fetal position, quivering with trauma. It sounded like he was sobbing, but since his artificial body could not produce tears, no one could say for sure whether or not the doll-boy was crying. No one asked why he was wearing an 18th century girls' bonnet. They didn't want to add to his pain.

Itachi was giving his leader the worst death-glare the world had ever seen... through a pair of pink glasses, emblazened with Sanrio Hello Kitty emblems. The glasses were slowly melting onto his face from the power of his glare, but even with his face covered in semiliquid pink plastic, Itachi was still threatening.

Deidara, his hair newly cut short, was wearing torn blue jeans and a leather jacket. Several days of stubble adorned his angry countenance. From behind his half-zipped jacket, an olive-green camouflage t-shirt emblazened with the word "MAN" peered out. It was a ridiculous looking outfit on someone with such a feminine face, but it sent a clear message- he did NOT want to be mistaken for a woman again.

Zetsu was pouring fertilizer on what remained of his once impressive plant. It looked as if something had been trying to devour it, but the bite marks were far too large to have come from any known species of insect. Even Shino had nothing like that... As they one by one observed the state of Zetsu's body, each of the akatsuki came up with his own terrifying image of what sort of insect had done this to their ally- little did they suspect that Shizune, driven by hunger and armed with a serving of milk, had been the one to try to devour the plant-man whole.

Hidan sat in a corner pouting, while Kakuzu was examining a prescription for thousands of dollars in heart medication, which he had no intention of filling.

Those of the akatsuki who were able to glared at their leader. It was Itachi who first moved. Rising from his chair, he coldly inquired how the Leader's own examination had gone. It was then that Pein made his fatal error. He told them what he and Bluie had done- that they had gone to the beach and forged paperwork for the exams. The kunoichi was fast enough to escape, dissolving into a storm of origami butterflies and flying freely into the wind. Pein was not so fortunate. He only had enough time to feel a tinge of anger that his attendant kunoichi had abandoned him before he was distracted by more pressing concerns... 


	3. Project Akatsuki 03 Date Night

**"Project Akatsuki 03- Date Night"  
by SuperGrouper**

**Part 1 the letter spelled their doom**

Kisame woke up disappointed. He had been having a lovely dream about winning a free, "all-you-can-eat" trip to an upper-class sushi bar when Itachi whacked him on the face with a rolled up newspaper, ending his moment of bliss.

"Ow! What was that for?!" the shark man asked angrily.

"You were drooling in your sleep, and it was annoying me," the Uchiha answered without emotion. "Also, I thought that you might want to take a look at _this_," Itachi continued, thrusting a letter at him.

The letter was neatly type on their Leader's personal stationary, complete his special header, which portrayed a swirly eyeball watching the earth. Kisame, still rather irritable, was speechless from annoyance once he completed reading it.

"Well, what do you think?" Itachi asked. "I'd like to think that it's a joke, but it's on the Leader's personal stationary... Surely no prankster would take it _that_ far. No one would risk their life to steal the boss's stationary _out of his own desk_, type a letter, and then forge Pein-sama's name on it. Tobi's not smart enough and Deidara's not stupid enough. The others never pull pranks. ...so, the letter must be legit, right?"

Kisame furrowed his brow, feeling a mixture of fear and perplexity. After a while, he began,

"Well, it... does _look_ real... but, why would Pein-sama want us to do something like that? It's ridiculous! I mean, we'd... look like fools! Girly, embarrassed _fools_! It... must be a mistake, right?"

"Mistakes don't happen on Pein's stationary, signed with his name, in his handwriting," Itachi replied despondently, "and as you know, our Leader has absolutely no sense of humor. There are three people in Akatsuki who can forge handwriting- myself, Tobi and Deidara. Tobi would never get out of Pein's office alive if he tried to break in. Deidara, dull as he is, is still too smart to try it and I _know_ that I didn't do this. Pranks are for weaklings with nothing better to do.

"So," Itachi finished, "as alarming as it is, I think that this is an actual letter from Pein-sama. I would love to know what he's thinking, though..."

"...I'm not sure that I _want_ to know what he's thinking. A Western-style _ball_? Maybe he means like baseball, though..." Kisame said, clinging to vain hope.

"No. He couldn't mean that. He says to wear Western suits and bring a date. I've never seen anyone wear a suit to a baseball game."

"But... WHY?! Why would he do this to us? Is he nuts?!" Kisame asked, growing alarmed. "I can't dance... and what about dates? I don't have a girlfriend or anything... What am I supposed to do?!"

"None of us have girlfriends, Kisame. Well, unless you count Sasori's crush on that pink-haired brat... And I seriously doubt that she would go with him."

"I don't know about that..." Kisame said slowly. "On the internet, that kid is with everyone from the Deidara to your little brother- some people even have her with me."

"Kisame- please do not tell me that you go to those websites..."

"You know, Itachi, sometime you ought to go to and look up 'Itachi Sakura'. You'll find all sorts of stuff. You seem to be more popular than I am, though... Your fans are many and perverted."

"deviant... _ART_?! You've been to an _ART_ site?!?! Art is for pansies! What are you thinking?!?!"

"Well, Deidara-san has an account there, so I was curious. Hey, if you look up 'mermaid' there you can find some GREAT stuff, let me tell you!" Kisame chirped, smiling broadly. He didn't notice Itachi glaring at him in cold exasperation.

"I suggest that we meet with the others. From the way this letter is written, my guess is that everyone got one. We can try to figure out what our next step should be, as a group."

"My next step is what I'm worried about!" Kisame moaned sadly. "I can't dance! And all the good women are already taken..."

"...who _is_ your ideal woman, anyway?" Itachi asked aloofly.

"...well... I guess, a girl from a certain TV show, whose name is Michiru. I don't think that I'd be her type, though."

"...you... don't mean... that you watch _that_ series..." Itachi said, his eyes wide open in horror.

"...you must too, though, or you wouldn't recognize the name," Kisame muttered quietly.

Itachi paled and quickly suggested that they go convene with the others. Kisame agreed that this was an excellent idea and started out ahead of his partner with a brisk pace.

**Part 2 He must be joking, un.**

"WOW! TOBI IS SO EXCITED! A REAL DANCE! WOWIE!"

"Tobi, if you don't shut up, I'm going to wrap your tongue around your mask, un."

"A REAL DANCE! JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES!!" D

"TOBI!!!" Deidara screamed angrily, hurling a wad of clay at the masked ninja. He paused from his sculpting when he sensed one... no, two people approaching. He assumed that the forms approaching were other Akatsuki, but just in case, he reached his left hand into the satchel at his waist. He grimaced when he saw that Itachi was one of the two walking into his studio. Well, at least, what he _called_ his 'studio.' In reality, the rock nin had staged a hostile takeover of a large walk-in closet near to his bedroom. The diminutive, clay-plastered space now contained four people, including one very hyperactive and excited Tobi. Deidara couldn't help but feel a tinge of disgust at being crammed into such a tiny room with so many annoying people. He had the urge to blow something up, but he managed to restrain himself.

"I take it, from what your junior officer was saying, that you also received letters instructing you to prepare to attend a 'ball,'" Itachi said, displaying all the emotion of a stone sculpture. "Am I correct in thinking this?"

"Yeah. I'd like to think that it's a joke... but this _is_ Leader's own stationary- and it's his handwriting too, make no doubt about it, un."

Their conversation was interrupted when the door creaked open, almost knocking Itachi into Deidara's lap. A red-head, looking about 18 years old, peered in. In a surprisingly low voice, he asked if Deidara was behind the letter which he had received.

Tobi, happy to have another member in his "audience," happily started talking about the dance to which Leader-sama had so kindly invited them. Midway through his loud monologue, Tobi was jerked up against the ceiling, as if by an invisible string, making room for the red-head to enter. Tobi, utterly bewildered, was silent for a while as he struggled to find release from the invisible cords which seemed to bind him.

"...Are you sure that you should be here, Sasori-no-Danna?" Deidara asked with masked concern. "It took FOREVER to get you back together, un. Maybe you should rest or something, un."

"I've been dead for a year, I come back, and you _STILL_ have that ridiculous speech impediment. .." Sasori had, resting his forehead on his raised hand. "Are you _ever_ going to get rid of that?"

"...but Kakuzu took me off my medication, un." the blond replied, his eye twitching rapidly. "Kakuzu said that the medication was too expensive and that I blew things up better without it, un."

"Remind me to kill him later... I'll put that on my 'to-do' list, after Sakura-chan."

The others, except for Tobi, simultaneously burst into loud laughter.

"What?" Sasori asked with puzzlement. "Is it wrong to keep lists of things? It helps me keep track of who to take revenge on."

The others just laughed harder. Sasori shrugged his shoulders in confusion and left. Leaning out the door, Kisame yelled after him,

"You might take Sakura-chan with you to the ball. I'm sure she's as wild about you as you are about her! Maybe you can play dolls together afterwards!" Kisame was laughing so hard that he was bent over, with tears in his eyes. Sasori's response was to raise a finger, while still walking away. When he did so, Tobi crashed down from the ceiling, landing on the men in the studio and completely crushing Deidara's intricate sculpture.

"I don't get it, Senpai," the boy asked. "What's funny about Sakura-chan being on Sasori-san's 'to-do' list? Doesn't he want revenge for losing to her?"

"...I don't think that he wants to kill her," Kisame began. "I think that it's more link he..."

"Be quiet, un!" Deidara yelled abruptly. "Tobi's a good boy! He doesn't need to hear about your theory!"

"So, then," Kisame responded, "Are you saying that you _don't_ think that Sasori has the hots for Pinkie?"

"...well... I know that he has a plush doll of her that he hugs while he's sleeping, un- but that doesn't mean that he's in love with her, does it?"

"Deidara's right," Itachi said. "Holding that doll, made in the image of his adversary, reminds Sasori of his _hatred_. It helps him to focus more on his plans for revenge."

"I don't know, though..." Deidara mused, "He has an account on my computer for checking email, and I look at it sometimes, un. He also has a Sakura wallpaper from as his desktop background on his user account... And he has a Sakura browser theme, Sakura icons, a Sakura's-battle-cries sound scheme, and he receives emails from 5 different Sakura fan clubs on the internet... And apparently he's been using The GIMP for nothing but drawing pictures of her in evening gowns and swimsuits..."

"_Like I said,_" Itachi cut in, "_It's to remind him of his __**hatred**__ of her. What other reason could there be?_"

No one was in a mood to argue with him.

**Part 3 Where are girls?**

"...Do you think that there are really girls here, Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked innocently.

"I think so. Konan spends almost all of her time here. This place is called a "mall," and this is where females go to purchase clothing and spend their recreational hours."

"Wow, Zetsu-san. You sure are smart!" Tobi said, obviously impressed by Zetsu's knowledge of women. "So, you think that we can find girls to take to the dance here?"

"I think so, Tobi. Try to find a girl and ask her to go to the dance with you."

Tobi approached a group of girls near a clothing store and asked them if any of them would be interested in coming with him for a few days (since the dance was 3 days away.) All of them shrieked and ran away.

Puzzled over their reaction, Tobi proceeded to the food court. There, he saw a pretty brown-haired girl eating a wrap. She held a magazine in one hand, glancing over the articles as she read. Sensing Tobi approaching, she lept to her feet and whirled around to face him, her countenance growing serious.

"Hey! Would you like to dance with me?" Tobi chirped.

"YOU!! You're one of those Akatsuki people! I recognize your cloak! You're one of the ones who kidnapped Gaara-sama!" the girl shrieked, her face flushing with anger. Her hand whipped into her kunai pouch, extracting several of the knives, which she hurled at the masked man, oblivious to the rapidly growing audience of onlookers.

Tobi quickly went into defense mode, deflecting the sand ninja's knives with surprising ease. He was so shocked at her assault that he didn't notice someone approaching him from behind. A giant hand, made of sand, tightly latched onto him, restraining his movements almost completely.

"Gaara-sama!" the girl squealed with delight.

"Matsuri- you shouldn't try to fight an Akatsuki by yourself! What were you thinking?!"

The kunoichi seemed troubled by her superior's rebuke, although she knew that he was concerned for her safety. Tobi wondered who the girl was, and who was behind him, constricting him more and more with sand... Tobi's musings were interrupted when Zetsu screamed at him.

"Tobi! RUN!!"

Zetsu launched himself at the Kazekage, tackling him and causing him to loosen the grip of his sand on Tobi. Without pausing, Zetsu lept to his feet and took off running at top speed, followed closely by Tobi. Gaara quickly dashed between them and Matsuri, then sent his sand in pursuit of the two Akatsuki- but he was too late. Tobi and Zetsu, fleeing for their lives in mad terror, were faster than Gaara, who was far more interested in Matsuri's safety than in pursuing her would-be assailants.

Meanwhile, the other men were having similar, if not worse, luck than Tobi. At the first view of his hands, Deidara's prospects immediately screamed and ran, while Kisame's mere appearance in the distance caused _everyone_ to run for their lives. Sasori couldn't manage to convince anyone that he was not part of an elaborate practical joke. No one would believe that he was actually human, albeit with a doll's body.

Despondent, the Akatsuki reconvened at their hideout. No one had found a date yet- except for Itachi, who was trailed by scores of squealing admirers. The other Akatsuki were reminded of how much they hated him.

**Part 4Desperate Times Call for Artistic Measures**

There were only two days- well, really, one and one-half- until the dance. Attendance was mandatory for all of the Akatsuki, and to attend a Western-style ball, one had to have a date. Itachi had 53. The others had none. They were in quite a predicament. Once again, the guys squeezed into Deidara's "studio" for a strategy meeting. Truly, there wasn't enough oxygen for that many people in one closet, but they were desperate, and Deidara's studio/closet had become their unofficial group meeting-place. Itachi's 53 dates stood outside, squealing for him to come back out and talk to them when the meeting was over. Itachi pretended not to notice the cold glares he received from his teammates when he shoved his way into the closet.

"_You_ shouldn't even _be_ here," Zetsu said coldly. "You have FIFTY-THREE dates outside! This is a strategy meeting for how to get dates! You don't belong here!!"

"...it's not my fault that I am more attractive than any of you." Itachi whispered unemotionally.

"You know, you could share with us! You can't dance with that many women in one night, Itachi-san!" Tobi suggested.

"I can through the power of the Mangekyou Sharingan."

"Let's just kill him now, un! He's outnumbered!!" a voice screamed, as the lights in the closet suddenly switched off.

Itachi emerged a few minutes later. He pulled at a loose thread on his cloak. He hated appearing untidy. Followed by his 53 fangirls, he walked away.

A few hours later, when the others regained consciousness, they once again began to deliberate about their date situation. Things were going nowhere until Sasori came up with a revolutionary idea- why not make their own dates?

"Well, it might work, un. I could make one out of clay- my power _is_ giving life to clay sculptures, after all."

"You could name her 'Galatea,'" Kisame suggested with a grin.

"No way, un! Why would anyone name a statue that?" Deidara asked arrogantly. "You don't understand art, un."

Kisame sighed as he realized the literacy level of his coworkers.

"Well, anyway, I can make a girl statue out of clay- and Sasori-no-danna, you can make a puppet that can pass as a human. It's only for one night- we can SO improvise for just one night, un!" Deidara said excitedly. "I have just the idea for how to make a clay statue- I can use a human skeleton for the framework, then cover it with clay and fire it in my special kiln..."

(Group sweatdrop.)

"Anyway, I'm going to go get to work, un." Deidara left in a happily hyperactive rush. Sasori returned to his room and brought out some of his best puppet-carving wood. Bringing out his sketchbook, he started drafting ideas of how the girl should look... In the end, he couldn't decide between his two favorite designs, so he decided to make two of them. After all, it Itachi could have 53 dates...

Kisame, devoid of artistic talent, sat with the other "non-artists" and bemoaned his single fate. Zetsu offered him a consoling pat-on-the-back with one of the enormous jaws of his man-eating plant. Kisame regretted not joining the Navy like his mother had suggested. Instead, he had spent his younger years hanging out with a guy who wore cow-print clothes and a possibly-male mime. His bad choices, stacking up like bricks in a wall, had doomed him to his present fate. He wondered if a woman like Michiru really existed... If so, chances are that she wouldn't have anything to do with him... but, oh, what a wife she would be... Kisame started when he realized that he was drooling. Tobi suddenly realized what to get Kisame for Christmas. Leaving the others behind, Tobi logged into Ebay and searched for "Sailor Neptune."

**Part 5 "My Soul Cannot Move from that Place"**

All night, the Akatsuki were all kept awake by strange noises coming from the kitchen. Pein and Konan were out on a mission, and the remaining members were a bit jumpy about the idea of an enemy attack when their leader was gone. Warily, they assembled outside of the kitchen. The only one missing from the group was Deidara- had whatever lurked in the kitchen, clanging around so loudly, already reached him? Itachi, the bravest of the group, was the first to open the door and peer in. He stared in silence for several seconds before addressing The Thing in the kitchen,

"Deidara- what _on earth_ are you doing?" the Uchiha asked with noticeable irritation.

Deidara looked up from his place in front of the oven. He looked exhausted and was splattered with clay on several areas of his body. He brightened into a smile at someone taking notice of his work.

"I'm making a date, un. You see, I made a body for her- I placed the clay around some old bones I dug up to serve as a framework- and now, I'm baking it. In a few more seconds- AH! It's done! She's done! Ahahahaha!"

Deidara pulled open the oven and pulled out what he referred to as a "clay tray." Since the Akatsuki refused to build him a kiln, Deidara was forced to bake some of his creations on pizza trays in the group's oven, when it was not otherwise in use. The tray that Deidara pulled out this time had the rough form of a human being. When Deidara rapped on the outer shell with his hand, the outer layer of the sculpture shattered, revealing the true sculpture underneath. The others observed the form of a beautiful young woman with beautiful black hair. Then, to their shock, the young woman began to rise from the pizza tray. She raised a terrible shriek,

"INUYASHA!!!"

"...this seems kind of familiar..." Tobi said in an amused tone.

"INUYASHA!" the woman screamed, whirls of energy swirling visibly around her hands. She glanced around, as if looking for someone. Pausing with a look of bewilderment, she asked,

"Where is Inuyasha?"

"Umm... Inuyasha isn't here, un. I baked you because I needed a date for a dance tomorrow. Here's a party dress!" Deidara said, thrusting a red satin gown in her direction. "I sure am glad that you turned out so cute," he said, smiling.

"...So, you're not Inuyasha..." she said in a terrifying tone. "Well, you'll have to do..."

She grabbed a butcher knife from the bin above the stove and lept toward him. "When I died, fifty years ago, I died HATING YOU!" she shrieked, jabbing at him with the knife as he quickly dodged her attacks. "MY SOUL CANNOT MOVE FROM THAT POINT!!" the young woman screamed bitterly.

"...but... wait a minute, un. I'm not even 25 yet! I wasn't around fifty years ago! And I don't even know you, un!!" Deidara said, growing a bit scared. He wasn't used to fighting in such a confined space. Close-range fighting wasn't his thing. Especially close-range fighting against naked, psychotic, undead women made from clay and wielding butcher knives glowing with ki. Things weren't working out as he had hoped...

"You don't know me, you say? Well, then I'LL TELL YOU!! I am Kikyou, priestess of Edo! And I will never forget your deception, you half-dog traitor!" she hissed, closing in on Deidara with her butcher knife.

"Um... I didn't betray you, Kikyou-san!" Deidara yelled desperately. "I DIDN'T!! And my name is Deidara, not Inuyasha! Oh, I don't want to die, un... Oh, she's so _cute_. What a pity, un... KATSU!!"

At the sound of Deidara's trigger-phrase, "KATSU," the undead priestess exploded into thousands of clay potsherds. The butcher knife, hurled at great velocity by the explosion, smashed into the wall a few inches away from Tobi's skull. Tobi, upon realizing what had almost happened, fainted from terror, landing at Zetsu's feet.

"What a pity, un. She was pretty cool, actually... Hey, I should have kept her around. A woman with that sort of destructive capacity... sigh ...I think that she may have been my true love..." Deidara sighed, as the others tried to understand how his mind worked, or if he even had one.

"Oh, well... The pizza pan's out- so, who wants pizza?" Deidara asked, brightening at the thought of pizza. Kisame pulled clay fragments from his hair as they all began to make excuses about why they did not want to have pizza right then...

**Part 5Chii?**

Sasori sat back in his chair and admired his work with some satisfaction. These two were the most beautiful dolls he had ever made. One of them was in the form of a manga character he was (secretly) fond of. The girl had long, pale whitish-brown hair that trailed to her feet in two cascades behind her. Long locks of hair fell at the sides of her face, contrasting with her dark brown eyes. White, sheep-like robotic ears stood on the sides of her head. She wore a white, lacy Lolita-style dress with layer upon layer of silk, lace and ribbons. The girl cocked her head to one side.

"Chii?" she asked.

If only Sasori had created her with a better vocabulary... Never mind- he wold be taking _the other one _to the dance with him. He wasn't about to let any of the others see Chii. Sasori felt reasonably sure that Kisame and Zetsu wouldn't recognize her design, but Deidara and Tobi were both anime fans. They would be sure to recognize Chii as the character from Chobits, and the teasing would never cease.

Finally done with Chii's creation, the craftsman turned to his other puppet. He would have to create for her finery which surpassed that of Chii- after all, the second one was his favorite. While he would love to clothe her in scarlet, that would clash far too much with her pastel pink hair. He would have to settle for another color for her clothing... Perhaps turquoise- it would accentuate the beautiful color of her eyes, which he admired so much... It occurred to Sasori that if he were human, he would probably be blushing as he thought of her. (///////)

**Part 6Rebirth Sasei**

Deidara lifted his bangs out of his face to take a closer look. Yes, she was done- and this time, his creation wouldn't go psycho and try to kill him. He glanced out the window. Judging from the position of the sun, it was almost time for the dance- he had completed his work with only minutes to spare. He paused to admire her form- yes, this was his magnum opus: his great work. It was perfectly sculpted. As his work rose up, Deidara had an alarming thought. He had spent so much time on sculpting her that he hadn't made any clothes for her! Despite what internet fandom might say, the shinobi didn't possess any women's clothes, either- and there was no time to go shopping- nor would Deidara have any clue about how to shop for women's clothing, anyway. He almost gave into despair before a wonderful thought came to his mind- Sasori! Sasori _always_ had plenty of clothes around for his puppets, most of which bore human form. Finding clothes for Kikyou Version 2.0 would be as easy as staging a quick raid on Sasori's puppet room. Deidara smiled. Things were going to work out, after all.

Kikyou stood and blankly stared at Deidara. He had tried to restrain some of her undead hatred this time, but it seemed to make her a tad listless. He would, perhaps, release a bit of her emotional nature later on and hope that she didn't kill him. Devoid of personality or not, Kikyou would be coming with him to the ball. Before leaving to raid Sasori's room, Deidara tossed Kikyou 2.0 a haori to cover up with. Somehow, even though he was her sculptor, it was still strangely embarrassing for her to be without clothing.

Walking toward Sasori's puppet room sneakily, Deidara noticed that Kikyou 2.0 was following him, now clad in the blue haori he had tossed to her. She was actually quite pretty, Deidara thought. Perhaps he would keep her around as a studio helper or something. Since she turned out so well, it would be a pity to cast her aside after the dance. Also, if he could find a way to harness her psychotic hatred, then she would be an excellent bodyguard for him. Kikyou trailed behind him until he reached Sasori's room- then, as if sensing danger, she left as he turned the doorknob.

No sooner had she left than Deidara found himself instinctively dodging hundreds of poison-tipped senbon which were launched by the trap behind the door. After the barrage of senbon was completed, a scroll unfolded, which read,

"Deidara, stay out of my room and don't borrow my things, or else you'll die a pointless death.

-Sincerely, Sasori-chan"

Being blond, Deidara naturally ignored the sign and charged into the room, willing to face his doom in order to avoid his magnum opus having to be a nudist. Deidara, after dodging traps which would have given Indiana Jones pause, found where Sasori kept his puppets' clothes. He was surprised that so many of the clothes were lacy, feminine dresses. He was relieved to note that said dresses were all too small for Sasori himself to wear. Another fear laid to rest, Deidara thought. Spotting a pretty turquoise gown in the front of the closet, Deidara grabbed it and the matching shoes nearby and quickly made his escape.

Kikyou looked surprisingly elegant and contemporary when wearing the turquoise dress. Deidara busied himself with brushing her hair and looked over her once- she looked fine. Then, he realized another terrible truth. He didn't own a single formal outfit. All of his outfits were cheap ones which could be quickly replaced in case of an accident in the studio. He didn't even own a buttoned shirt, much less a tuxedo. Then, he recalled that he had seen Itachi wear something like that once to a party run by a weapons trafficker. He assumed that Itachi and he were close enough to the same size... Obviously, it was time to go "foraging" again- this time in the most dangerous location in the entire building: Itachi's bedroom.

**Part 7Into the Weasel Den**

Deidara was relieved to find that Itachi was out on a mission- or, perhaps, out wasting time... Or out trying to pick up cheap women. He didn't know which, and he didn't care. All that mattered was getting into Itachi's bedroom and stealing a tuxedo. He only had a few more minutes, even if he ran. The rock ninja stealthily crept into the room. His tension was high and his nerves were a wreck. If Itachi _ever _found out about this... He quickly pushed the thought out of his mind and quickened his pace towards the closet. He took a sharp turn left toward where he thought the closet would be, and ran straight into a body! He gasped in shock and fell to the ground, but recovered himself and got up in a few seconds. He was relieved to note that the "body" was still alive, and rejoiced that it wasn't Itachi...

"Deidara, what are you doing in Itachi's room?" Sasori said, dusting himself off. Deidara was about to answer when he noticed that Sasori had a tuxedo draped over his folded left arm. His danna had the same thought! Knowing that there might be punishments for failing to attend the dance or for showing up without formal clothes, the two ninja locked eyes coldly. This would be a fight to the death. A fight for Itachi's tuxedo.

Sasori struck first. There was no time and even less space to summon another puppet, so Sasori dashed toward Deidara, baring the blade concealed in his arm and brandishing it like a pirate might a scimitar. Fear gave Deidara wings as he fled out of Itachi's room into the hall, tossing bombs behind him, which Sasori managed to dodge. If there was anything that Deidara was truly afraid of, except for clowns, it was a fight at close range in a confined space. Such a battle put him at a _tremendous_ disadvantage. In the slightly roomier hallway, he slowed his pace enough to toss a rain of kunai at his master. Sasori was struck by several, which implanted themselves into his wooden body, but he hardly slackened his pace at all.

Then, someone approached them from another hall. Both ninja sensed it, and braced themselves in horror that it might be Itachi. Then, the figure turned the corner and faced them. It was Kikyou- Kikyou, wearing a turquoise formal dress. Sasori dropped his hands to his sides and gaped.

"THAT... THAT IS SAKURA-CHAN'S DRESS!!" he screamed! "_SHE_ was going to wear that!" The puppet master was so enraged that he didn't notice that he had dropped the tuxedo. Like a baseball player sliding into a base, in one fluid motion Deidara lept toward him, grabbed the tuxedo from its place at Sasori's feet and slid up into a run without stopping. He lunged toward Kikyou, tossed her over his shoulder and ran to his room, hurling tons of bombs after himself to slow Sasori's pace. In the distance, he heard Sasori using some very colorful words to describe his partner...

Sasori, deprived of both ball gown and tuxedo, and with only minutes to spare before the dance started, did the logical thing. He summoned his army of 100 puppets and went on a rampage, accompanied by his two second-in-command: the Chii and Sakura puppets.

**Part 8The Dance Begins**

After hurriedly tossing on the tuxedo and asking Kikyou to run after him, Deidara ran into the Akatsuki's gymnasium. This place, which was normally reserved for training, had been cleared out and ornately decorated. The exercise equipment had been removed, clearing a large place in the center of the room for the dance to take place. Tables with punch, fingercakes and other finery which most of the men had never even seen before stood lined up against the wall. Kisame was there, Deidara noted. The tall, blue-skinned ninja looked every bit as ridiculous in a tuxedo as one would imagine. Deidara was tempted to laugh, but managed to hold back. He didn't see any women near to Kisame- apparently the shark-man hadn't managed to find a date. Itachi, meanwhile, was in the center of what appeared to be about 50 women engaging in a cat fight. He was far too preoccupied trying to escape from the battle to notice that Deidara was wearing his stolen suit... From the snippets of conversation which Deidara managed to overhear, he realized it was a fight over who got to dance with Itachi. He grimaced at Itachi's popularity before heading over to where Zetsu stood, next to one of the potted trees which were part of the decor.

"Do you know where the boss is, un?" Deidara asked, with Kikyou-the-clay-doll-woman hanging onto his shoulder.

"I don't know. _I think that this ball may be very important for some reason. We both need to keep alert."_

"SENPAI!" a far-too-loud voice exclaimed. "GUESS WHAT I FOUND THIS WEIRD PUNCH IN A BOTTLE OVER HERE AND I DRANK IT AND NOW MY HEAD IS FLYING INTO PAINFULNESS AND DIZZINESS!"

"...who let Tobi get into the wine?" Deidara asked Zetsu.

"It wasn't me," Zetsu said. "And I have some serious doubts about whether he's even old enough to be drinking it..."

"LOOK SENPAI IMA AIRPLANE!!" Tobi said, leaping into the air and crashing into the floor face-first.

"...this must never happen again. It's far too scary," Zetsu mumbled. "No more alcohol for you, Tobi! ...what?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Tobi had lifted his mask and was leaning over the potted palm tree that Zetsu had been standing next to, expelling the wine he had inadvertently drunken, along with the rest of his stomach contents, into the pot.

"...Hanako!!" Zetsu screamed. "NOOO!!!"

Before Zetsu could become too concerned about his new, palm-tree friend, Tobi fell backwards in a heap, totally unconscious. Despite their general lack of concern about him, someone eventually called an ambulance to pick up Tobi. The doctors barely managed to save him, although he suffered substantial brain damage. This didn't affect his behavior, however, for unknown reasons.

As the sound of the sirens faded, the doors at the end of the gym opened. In proceeded Pein and Konan, both dressed in Western finery- and looking very serious, as always. The room grew quiet as the others waited for Pein to explain why they had been required to attend a ball. Deidara even quit flirting with Kikyou long enough to listen, although he pulled her into a tight embrace. He really had little to worry about with Kikyou, though. He and Inuyasha were the only ones who would think that a clay-woman was even remotely attractive.

"I'm sure that all of you are wondering why we are having such a formal celebration tonight," Pein began with great pomp. "I have summoned all of you here for a very important moment, a night of great rejoicing- and I especially summoned you, Konan," he said, glancing at the woman next to him. "I only have one more night here before our next mission begins, so I decided to fold the celebration and the question all into one..."

To the utter shock of everyone present, Pein fell on his knee before Konan and pulled a ring out of his pocket. Konan blankly stared at her leader for a few seconds, as if unable to comprehend what was taking place.

"Konan," Pein said with far more sentiment than anyone thought him capable of, "I want you to marry me. We can rule the world together, as king and queen! What do you say?"

Konan stood there in silence for a while, looking at the ring he held in front of her. Pein looked very pleased and almost arrogant. It was obvious that he had _absolutely _no doubt that his partner would say yes.

After a few minutes, which grew more and more uneasy for everyone, Konan replied with one word.

"No."

Everyone gasped. The others stared at Pein and Konan in unbelief. Their leader had honored her with such a request, and she had said no! Surely she would be punished...

Pein was frozen in shock for several moments before he recovered himself enough to ask, "Why not?"

"...well," Konan said, "It's difficult to say this, but... You have perpetually bad breath."

Pein was still trying to process this bit of information when they heard it. They all heard it- the march of hundreds of feet toward to gymnasium. They were surrounded. Suddenly, the wall at the east end of the gym caved in. An army marched in, surrounded by the dust of the wall's collapse. As the dust settled, the Akatsuki realized that the army was composed of puppets- puppets led by three figures, one of whom was Sasori, who was clad only in boxer shorts. Beholding the threatening spectacle, Deidara made a comment that only a blond would make in such a situation:

"Hey! Isn't that Chobits Chii?! Wow! I didn't know that this was a cosplay ball! I could have come is a Bleach shinigami! I _so _have to dig those black hakama out of my closet next time!" D

Hidan paused long enough to inform Deidara of just how stupid the monk considered him, using some very descriptive epithets, before running for his life.

"Why did Hidan-chan run, un?" Deidara asked Kisame, who was unsheathing Samehada and preparing to defend himself. "I thought that he was immortal."

"What Hidan has is level-4 immortality, like what Charon possessed. Sasori is a poison user! If Hidan got poisoned by him, then his suffering would never cease!"

Deidara paused for a moment before asking Kisame who Charon was, only to be utterly ignored as Kisame sprinted toward the army of puppets, thrashing Samehada into the fray and destroying several of them with one swing. Sasori, accompanied by Sakura and Chii, quickly backed away, pulling some of his less-favorite puppets in front of himself to function as both an offense and a defensive shield. Itachi, surrounded by cowering fangirls, continued to calmly sip punch. His loyal partner, Kisame, was risking his life to protect them from an insane puppet master. This didn't affect him at all, he thought, reaching for an egg-salad sandwich.

"I'll teach you to steal my beloved Sakura's new party dress!" Sasori screamed venomously, charging at Deidara. "I'll take it back from you by force!!"

Deidara realized that he was no match for an army of poisonous puppets, led by someone as mad as Sasori. Thinking quickly, he undid the seal on Kikyou and ran behind her. A wave of magenta energy billowed around the priestess as she glared at Sasori.

"INUYASHA! I died hating you! I live only for revenge!" she screamed in cold rage. "INUYASHAAAAAAA!"

Sasori paused and lept back an incredible distance, pulling Chii and Sakura back with him. He had seldom, if ever, seen such hatred before. He was briefly alarmed, then grew calm.

"I'm not Inuyasha!" he yelled at her. "Inuyasha is behind you! He has long, light-colored hair, remember? Take a look at him! _He's _the one who betrayed you, not me!"

Kikyou glanced behind her, making eye contact with Deidara. He realized the danger he was in and lept into the air moments before the shockwave of reiki blasted the area he had been standing in to splinters. This was _not _what he had planned, he thought, as he summoned a clay bird and shot up on its back in midair. He would have to blast a hole in the ceiling and fly off though it- there was no other way for him to escape.

Suddenly, a shaft of light zoomed past him. He glanced down at the origin of the attack, which he had narrowly dodged. Kikyou had rigged a bow and arrow out of Samehada's bandages and the remains of the doomed plant Tobi had gotten sick on. She sent another ki-charged arrow at him, blasting off part of his clay bird's wing. He spiraled downward, landing on a refreshment table, which crumbled beneath the weight of him and his sculpture. She ran toward him, her hands glowing with energy.

"INUYASHAAAAAA!" she screamed angrily. "I cannot forgive you!!!"

**Epilogue Emotions Greater than Death, or, "You did _what _without me?"**

"WOW!! Did that _really_ happen?!" Tobi asked, his eyes widening behind his mask. He leaned forward in the hospital bed as Zetsu concluded his story of the ball.

"...and after the gymnasium exploded, Sasori was forced to help Deidara clean it up- but they're fighting so much that they're still working on it, weeks later."

"So what happened to Deidara-senpai's and Sasori-san's girlfriends?" Tobi asked innocently.

"Kikyou -Deidara's clay girl, that is- opened a portal to a dark dimension and tried to suck Deidara into it, but she only got his left arm..."

"Oh! It's always his arms, isn't it?" Tobi commented.

"Yes, well, Deidara _does _seem to have bad luck with those..." Zetsu mumbled. "Anyway, she was sucked into the void and we haven't seen her since, but that doesn't mean that we've seen the last of her. Those undead miko are hard to get rid of..."

"And what happened to Sasori-san's dates?" Tobi asked, playing with his IV tube nonchalantly. "Did they get sucked into a dark, inter-dimensional void too?"

"No... things like that only seem to happen when Deidara is around. He seems to summon dimensional rifts and arm accidents upon himself. _It must be something he's doing, to give him such bad fortune. _Chii was confiscated by a mad scientist who thinks that Chii is her daughter, but Sasori was kind of okay with it, since he still had Sakura. _But then, the real Sakura came over to visit and freaked out over the Sakura-puppet in Sasori's room. She shattered it into pieces with her mighty fist __and threatened to never play with Sasori again. _He had to buy her some flowers to make up for it, and then... take her shopping. At the _mall_."

"..at the _mall_? Wow. Sasori-san must really like her if he's willing to suffer through that..." Tobi mused.

"I think that he's in love with her._ He always gets so happy when she comes over, but all she ever wants to talk about is information on Orochimaru. I think that she may be using him._" Zetsu noted.

"I... I can't believe that I missed all of that!" Tobi cried. "I wanted to see the army of homicidal puppets!"

"It can't be helped... You didn't even know that what you were drinking was wine- you thought that it was sparkling grape juice. You really are a good boy... I can even forgive you for hurting Hanako, since you didn't mean to."

"Oh! How is Hanako doing?" Tobi asked worriedly.

"She required a graft and some fertilizer, but she's doing quite well now. We're getting along great- I think that there may be a future for the two of us..." Zetsu said, the white half of his face noticeably blushing.

"Be sure to invite me to the wedding, Zetsu-san!" Tobi said cheerfully.

"...I will. _If I ever get married._" Zetsu replied.

"...Is Senpai taking it hard- losing Kikyou, I mean?" Tobi asked softly. "He seemed to really like her..."

"He seemed pretty upset..." Zetsu muttered, "_but I don't think that he'll ever be stupid enough to try something like that again. Making a clay-person to keep himself company? How pathetic is that? Even an idiot like him can learn a lesson from something like this. We don't have to worry about this ever happening again, at least..."_

"Well, that's good to know." Tobi said in a relieved tone. "I'm feeling much better, Zetsu-san. I think that I'll be able to leave the hospital in a few days. We can go see Hanako then, and I can apologize to her."

"That's a good idea," Zetsu said kindly.

Deidara pulled the pizza pan out of the oven, smiling eagerly. "This one is the best one yet, un. I've been needing an assistant... Much better for it to be a cute girl than that idiot Tobi, un."

--------------------

Notes:

The idea for Zetsu's plant-girlfriend to be named "Hanako" is from FireFly's Fanfic "One of the Cool Kids" is from Inuyasha, the popular feudal-horror manga by Takahashi Rumiko.

Chii is from the ecchi CLAMP series Chobits, which is one of the greatest wastes of CLAMP's often-misused talents yet (although the artwork is great, and I personally like Chii.)

I haven't quite decided about Deidara's "assistant," but I have an idea.


	4. Project Akatsuki 04The OOC OC

**Project Akatsuki 03-**

**"The Out-of-Character Original Character"**

**by SuperGrouper**

The others knew that something was wrong when they heard the explosion. Certainly, they were used to explosions- but not indoors, and not so late at night. The Akatsuki immediately thought of what this had previously meant- a few nights ago, Deidara had used his power to bring clay to life to create a date. The girl, a miko named Kikyou, had gone on a bloody rampage before being destroyed... several times. "Gotta watch those vengeful, undead miko..." Kakuzu thought to himself as he ran to the kitchen. The others arrived at almost the same time that he did, and from the looks of fear in their eyes as they warily gazes at the closed kitchen door, they all shared the older man's apprehension. Itachi, braver (or dumber) than the the others, kicked down the kitchen door and ran in. The others followed him, squeezing through the door in order to get a look at what was happening. They all gazed in horror at the scene before them. Deidara had, indeed, made another clay-woman- but no one recognized this one. While Kikyou was a canon character from the Takahashi series _Inuyasha_, this girl didn't look like anyone they had ever seen before, in _any_ anime or manga series. At once, it occurred to them who she was...

"SHE'S AN OC!! AN ORIGINAL CHARACTER!!!" Kisame screamed in a voice much higher than one would expect him capable of. His visage was contorted in horror as he stepped back a few feet, away from the kimono-clad woman sitting on the pizza pan. Kisame glanced over at Deidara- the blond was pressed against the wall, hyperventilating and in a cold sweat. Apparently, Deidara knew what Original Characters were capable of. He must have internet access, Kisame thought. Deidara looked paler than anyone had ever seen him. Even though his back was against the wall opposing the girl, it seemed as if he was still trying to back away from her, repeatedly backing up against the wall in a vain attempt to increase the distance between them.

"...Deidara, what is the meaning of this?" Pein asked in an extremely irritated voice. "Have you brought _an OC_ into our base?"

"...N... nnooo, Leader-sama..." Deidara whimpered quietly. "I... I didn't mean to... I didn't know that it would be an OC, Leader-sama... I didn't know!" Deidara said, crumpling up into a fetal position and beginning to sob. Pein made a mental note to limit the boy's internet time. While he was at it, he would create a firewall to block deviantART and from being accessed on Akatsuki computers. His men shouldn't have to be stricken with this much horror at the mere appearance of an OC...

"...'O C?'" Itachi asked. "I know of these creatures... They are fan-made characters who are often made by perverse teenage girls... Such characters often try to defile us in strange and unrealistic ways... This does not bode well. I wonder which of us, perhaps even more than one, she will try to assault and doom to a life of out-of-character love-servitude?"

Sasori stood silent for a while, before mentioning that he, at least, was in no danger of losing his integrity, since his body was artificial. He appeared to be utterly unconcerned about the others' fates.

"Well, let's just get this over with," Zetsu said with a noticeable sigh. "So, woman, who are you and which of us do you like? _Or, are you a fan of one of our enemies who is miraculously stronger than us and has come to kill us all, even though you have no experience or skills in battle? _Are you just here to annoy us?"

"...my tale is a tragic one," the girl began. "I'm an OC who is no longer wanted, who has been abandoned to suffering because of my great transgression. When my creator was designing me, she scanned a drawing into her computer and started vectoring it in PhotoShop after discovering LemonTea's Vector Tutorial. However, after the vector contained more than 32 layer-groups, some of which had more than 12 sub-layers within them, my maker's computer couldn't keep up with the power required for creating me... and... in my crash, I utterly destroyed her only copy of PhotoShop. Not only that, but Corel Painter was also destroyed in the crash... in the end, she had to format her C:/ drive and do a clean reinstall of her OS... And it gets worse," the girl continued. "The copies of Corel Painter and PhotoShop my designer used were installed by a friend of hers, who _didn't_ give her copies of the installers- and the friend afterwards _lost_ the PhotoShop CD!!" The girl in the kimono collapsed to her knees, suppressing a sob. "As punishment for destroying PhotoShop, I am BANISHED! Banished to this fanfic, so shortly after my birth! I could have been _great_- I could have been part of her manga series someday! But, instead, I am here..."

"Wow. You really _are_ evil," Deidara muttered, looking up for a minute. "You destroyed PhotoShop and forced a clean format and reinstall of the OS? No wonder your creator banished you to this fanfic."

"...so... I guess that _I_ probably don't have to worry... but do you have a crush on any of the guys here?" Konan asked. "And also, what is your name? Did you get one before you crashed PhotoShop and were banished here?"

"...my file name was 'PalomaConceptArt.psd,' so I think that my name must be 'Paloma.' My kimono have a bird theme, and 'Paloma' means 'white dove,' so it makes sense... And what on earth are you talking about- do I have a crush on anyone here? You're all freaks! I want to go back to my host computer... but my original file can't be completed, since PhotoShop is gone and The GIMP only has limited vector support... And I don't think that InkScape would import me... Therefore, I am doomed to wander through this fanfic series restlessly until I am completed," Paloma said, her face taking on a terrifying expression. The Akatsuki had heard of restless spirits haunting places- but a restless graphics file haunting a fanfic series? It had never been done before...

"Well, since Deidara summoned you here, I suppose that he'll have to take care of you..." Pein said groggily. "Just don't do anything crazy."

"...why are you assigning a crazed pyromaniac to 'take care of' me?!" Paloma yelled in anger. "If this is like real life would be, he'll get annoyed with me and kill me... If this is like a badly-written fanfic, then his personality will be warped into something unrecognizable and we'll have some sort of warm, fuzzy, loving relationship... Which is arguably worse than getting blown up! If I _have_ to stay here, at least assign me someone _sane_ to stay with! ...and if you think that under _any_ circumstances I'm sharing a room with him, you've got another thing coming!"

"Actually, we don't have guest rooms, now that I think about it..." Konan mused. "So, actually..."

"...I see. I'll have to kill the blond guy and steal his room. I understand." Paloma chirped.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T!" Deidara shrieked. "If you're an OC, then you must have all sorts of incredible powers that no one else in the series has! Wait for me to train and get stronger and then... Hey- what's wrong?" 

Paloma had begun to cry in angry exasperation once again.

"My maker _was_ going to give me some superpowers, but by the time of the program crash, she had only decided on one of them..." she muttered in an annoyed tone.

"Oh, you have power?" Pein said, waking up a bit more. "What sort of power do you have, girl?"

"...my power... my power is to... to..."

"WELL, TO DO WHAT?!" Hidan asked. "You crazy ! You guys wake me up in the middle of the night and now you're talking like that annoying Hyuuga girl!"

"Well, my power is embarrassing and almost always useless..." Paloma said. "My power... is to talk to birds."

Upon hearing this, everyone burst out laughing raucously.

"I can't believe it," Itachi said blankly. "There's actually someone with a power _more useless_ than Ino's..."

"So, do you guys have anything to eat?" Paloma asked.

"...shouldn't you be glomping us or something?" Deidara asked warily. "You're not just trying to lull us into a false sense of security, are you?" he asked, furrowing a brow.

"You say that as if any sane human being would glomp a ninjutsu-trained terrorist..." Paloma replied, losing a bit of her appetite at the mention of such a notion. "Are there really people who want to touch you? I mean, if we were friends, I might conceivably pat you on the shoulder occasionally... but we've just met, you're a ninjutsu-using, pyromaniac, terrorist S-class criminal who probably has gender-identity issues and possible horrible blood diseases... and you think that I'm going to run up and jumping-hug you? Is everyone in this world _insane_?"

"I still don't trust you..." Deidara said, bracing to defend himself if necessary.

"Ummm... we just met. Do you _normally _ trust someone right after you meet them? You're the worst ninja ever..." Paloma said, turning to look through the refrigerator, which was located to the right of the oven. "Ah! There's a hamburger in here!" She said, happily lifting it up.

"That's one of Zetsu-san's 'special' home-made burgers!" Tobi said cheerfully.

Paloma paled and dropped the questionable burger to the floor in shock. Surely, even crashed a computer wasn't worthy of the punishment of having to live with these people... but at this point, she had no other choice... At least she knew that her maker wasn't a pervert... At least she wouldn't get written into perverted fanfics involving multiple other parties... And at least she wasn't in a One Piece fanfic...

---------------------

I'm sure that you've realized by now that Paloma's designer, whom she mentions, is me. The story about her design file crashing all of my graphics programs and my having to (eventually) format my hard drive is true- even SuperWombat always refers to her as "the one who destroyed PhotoShop." Thank God, I store almost all of my files on an external HD (which I regularly back up to 2 others, which contain identical files, using the Windows SyncToy,) so it was easy enough to do.

I eventually did some other drafts of Paloma's design (using watercolor paints and The GIMP.) If you want to see her, view these urls:


End file.
